"Two wrongs don't make a right." My mother said this to me repeatedly throughout my childhood when I would smack a sibling, steal a toy, do some other naughty thing and protest, "But she/he did it first!"
The phrase - and the lesson behind it - has stuck with me all of my life.
Too bad politicians and extremist wackos of both sides of every 'hot topic' issue haven't learned that same lesson.
My musings now are primarily about the current agenda and behavior of the GBLT extremists. Isn't it always the extremists who get all the attention? I would like to assume that the mainstream GBLT folks are just as embarrassed by the extremists claiming to represent them as I, as a Christian person, am often embarrassed about the stupid stuff other people do in the name of God/Christianity/Jesus.
Disclaimer before I proceed. I am not a politician. I am not a journalist. I welcome rational discussion and perfectly accept that my opinions are just that - MY opinions. You are entitled to yours. Profanity and insults will not be tolerated in comments and will be deleted.
Also – I reference actual news stories I have read over the last few months, but as this is not a factual journalistic piece but merely my opinion, I am not bothering to re-find the articles to link you. Google search will find them, I’m sure.
So.
Does no one else see the irony and the hypocrisy of a group which demands rights for its members by trampling all over the rights of others? Do we really think it is okay for the ACLU to champion the ‘rights’ of a gay couple to ‘force’ a profoundly, fundamentally Christian business to bake their wedding cake, thereby putting that individual out of business because a) she can’t afford the lawsuit and b) she is not willing to give up her deeply and profoundly held religious beliefs?
Really?
There are thousands of bakeries that would jump at the chance to have their business. This is not a situation where that woman’s cakes were the only cakes available in the entire universe. Can you not see that this sort of behavior only hurts your ultimate goals and causes the fundamentalists to dig in their heels against you?
What about the state where the ACLU is trying to force a church (I think a Baptist one, but not sure) to perform homosexual marriage ceremonies inside the church against the clear and explicit doctrines of the church?
Really?
When there are countless churches that would gladly perform this ceremony? Contact me – I have an awesome brother-in-law who is a well known and highly respected minister of the nondenominational Christian church in which I grew up. Financially destroying this one little church to prove your point does not help your cause.
What about the state – I believe it is Virginia? Where the Catholic Charities no longer handle adoptions because they were sued by the ACLU representing a gay couple who wanted to adopt. Of course, adopting children to a gay couple is against the tenants of the Catholic Church, so in the end they were shut down because they would not give up their beliefs under the weight and pressure of the ACLU.
Hurray for you. You successfully bullied a charity into closing its doors. Do you feel good about yourself now? When there are other places, other organizations, where you could have gone to adopt a child? Please do not pretend that this vindictive behavior had anything to do with love or a desire to be a parent. It was nothing more or less than hate and vengefulness.
And this, my friends, is why I will continue to stand on the side of Religious Freedom. Have we forgotten that Religious Freedom was the initial reason the pligrioms first came here? That countless wars have been fought over this in every nation throughout the known history of humankind?
You have every right not to agree with the religious beliefs of any given group. You have every right to deride them, insult them, call them stupid, ignorant, uneducated, whatever you choose. You do NOT have the right to TAKE THEM AWAY.
Please note that none of my commentary above has anything to do with whether I, personally, am in any way against persons of GBLT persuasion. I believe that God loves us all, no matter what, the end.
However, I will state one other thing that gets my own dander up. It is a discussion I recently shared with my wickedly brilliant niece who is a vocal and active champion of all things GBLT.
When talking about public places where various states of stranger/acquaintance nakedness might be occurring – public toilets, locker rooms, dressing rooms, etc.: If you have a penis, you belong in the room for penises. If you do not have a penis, you belong in the room for no-penises. I will forever and profoundly, vociferously object to any legislation that changes this basic fact of physiology! I don’t care what you feel like on the ‘inside’ – as long as you have a penis, you go where penises go.
For the very simple reason that there are idiots and creeps and wackos of every gender and persuasion who would ‘pretend’ to be transgendered in order to go into the public naked space of the other gender to do horrible and nasty things to those other people.
If you want to fight for your own private, locking, one-person-only space, I’m right behind you. I can readily understand that if you feel like a girl, you don't want to be in a room of naked, rowdy boys.
But I think it is stupid that there is now a law in California which allows ‘transgendered’ high school students to use the locker rooms/showers of the gender they believe themselves to be rather than the gender they physically are. Sorry, but it’s stupid. There will be high school boys all over the place pretending to be transgendered so they can look at naked girls. Duh!
Let’s use common sense, for crying out loud!!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, June 23, 2012
A Message to my kids
A message for my children:
Because you are now approaching the point in your life where your heart and emotions and hormones all sing to reach out to that ‘one perfect person’ to spend the rest of your life with, I want to share some things with you. Not to lecture or scold or boss, but simply points to ponder and important things to know and think about as you make friends and date and so on.
One of my college anthropology classes had a section on the study of marriage. There are all sorts of different successful marriages, but this study had found some key points that were prevalent in a majority of long lasting marriages.
Some of the points were rather obvious. Bride is not pregnant. The couple share the same religion and practice it. The couple did not live together before marriage. Both parties are over 23 years of age at the time of marriage and couple dated each other for at least 1 year before marriage, married at least 1 year before children.
Divorce was a big one. No surprise. These studies haven’t changed in years, despite the increasing prevalence and societal acceptation of divorce. If one or both parties came from a divorced home, the chance of divorce increased for the couple. Divorce, even when necessary for the health and wellbeing of those involved, still distorts the children’s perception of marriage. A person from a divorced home has a harder time developing trust for their partner and fewer coping mechanisms for dealing with conflict. This is not to condemn those who’ve been in that unfortunate situation or to rule-out ever marrying someone whose parents are divorced. In this day and age, you will meet many more kids from divorced home than intact ones! But it is to make you more mindful of the challenges you and your partner will face if you do marry someone whose parents were divorced.
Some of the points were fun and interesting but sort of surprising: birth-order – the most compatible combination is an oldest sibling with a youngest sibling, least compatible is two ‘oldests’. Educational level – both people are of a similar educational background. Similar political beliefs – this was lower on the importance scale, with a comment that if you are happy not discussing your politics or ‘live and let live’ then this wasn’t so important, where as if you are the sort who has to discuss/argue and your spouse has opposing ideas, it is a source of strife.
With all that in mind, I want to share things for you to think about.
1. Don’t be in a hurry!!
This is so hard, I know! But it’s true. It’s very rare that a ‘high school sweetheart’ turns into your spouse of 50+ years. High school dating is fine, and those early relationships are important in their own right. It’s a wonderful, sweet thing to be in love. You have your first disappointments as you realize that your ‘perfect person’ isn’t really so perfect. You get to see flaws and have your own pointed out to you. You learn things about compatibility and yourself and what things you really, really need in a life partner and what things you can do without.
But you are not destined to be ‘alone forever’ if you don’t date in high school! Make friends. Have fun. Dating can wait until college or beyond and that’s okay, too.
1. a) Especially don’t be in a hurry to have sex!!!
Okay, I’ve talked to you so much about this that you roll your eyes with a, “Mooo-oom, I know, so stop it!” It doesn’t matter. I’m going to say it again. And again. And again. And again. Because if there is an ‘accidental pregnancy’, it’s not going to be because I didn’t tell you. Again. And again. And again.
Here we go. It’s going to get graphic. That’s what you get when your mom is a nurse. ;)
Until you feel you are emotionally and financially ready to support a child and be forever more tied to the person you are with, DO NOT HAVE SEX. It really is as simple as that.
NO BIRTH CONTROL METHOD IS 100% EFFECTIVE EXCEPT ABSTINENCE.
Abstinence means complete and total abstinence. ‘Withdrawal’ is not abstinence. All it takes is one strong little swimmer to create a baby, and teenaged girls are at their biologically most healthy and most fertile. Semen deposited anywhere near the vulva can cause pregnancy. ‘Keep off the grass’.
For my sons:
Pregnancy:
You don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but you do have to worry about the emotional, financial and legal aspects of sex and pregnancy.
~ In our society, the girl, the party who can get pregnant, has all the ‘power’ over what to do with that pregnancy. To a great extent, this is as it should be. It is her body and life that is most impacted. You know that I am strongly opposed to abortion – I do believe it kills a human being and I wish it was illegal and that our society didn’t view it as a form of birth control. However, that decision will never, ever be in your hands. As a boy, you have only to stand back and grieve in horror if your unexpected child is sliced to bits and sucked into a sink.
Yes, I am being deliberately provocative – because that is exactly what happens. And you have no say and no control in the matter.
~ She can decide to have the baby and put it up for adoption. Here, at least, you have some choice. If she doesn’t want the baby, she is required to have your signature and consent to put it up for adoption – at which time you could decide to take on that terrifyingly huge responsibility yourself.
By the way – I did diapers and late-nights with four children. Dad and I would help you with this, but we are not doing it for you! Think about how annoying it is when we nag you to feed/water the dog.
~ She can decide to keep the baby, move out of state where you will never or rarely have the chance to see/interact with your child. Yet you would still have to pay a huge portion of your income for child support for the next 23 years until the child is done with college. Never mind if you didn’t get to go to/finish college yourself because you were paying child support. This is as it should be – I would be bitterly disappointed if my boys grew up to be ‘deadbeat dads’. You created the child, you must pay for the child.
But such a financial burden – not to mention the emotional one – will make your future more difficult when you decide to get married and have a ‘real’ family.
~ You can decide, together, to get married and start your life together. It is a difficult way to start a marriage, but not impossible.
Legally:
~ In the state of Iowa, a girl/woman is not considered legally competent/able to give ‘consent’ to any sexual act if she has been drinking. This means that if you go out partying with friends and have sex with a girl, she/her parents can decide to prosecute you for rape – even if it was all fun and games and consensual. Frankly, to almost anyone who went to college and did stupid stuff, this law seems extreme and ridiculous – but there are enough young women who are truly victimized and who ARE actually raped that our state has seen fit to make this into law. You have got to be careful and be aware.
Don’t go sleeping with girls you don’t know well – see my diatribe on pregnancy above. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions as well as hers and you are more likely to do something stupid. It could land you in jail for years, literally, and be a part of your criminal record that would significantly impact jobs you could hold in the future. Don’t do it.
~ Statutory Rape - this means having sex with a girl who is considered too young to give consent. This age varies from state to state. I don’t know the ‘age of consent’ in Iowa, but it would be safe to assume that it’s 18. Even if you are younger than 18 yourself, you could still be prosecuted for rape if your partner is also under 18. Again, jail, criminal record, career path ruined, etc.
See why mom says all this embarrassing stuff? It’s to protect you from things like inexperience and peer pressure and physical hormones telling you to ‘just do it’ and so on. Keep a clear head and make wise choices so you can have a wonderful, successful, prosperous life, career, marriage, etc. We love you.
For my daughters:
You would not believe the silly stuff boys will say to get you to do sexual acts with them. And I hope, very much, that I have taught you to be smart and not believe a word of it.
It is not ‘painful’ to be aroused/erect. If it bugs him that much, he can go into the bathroom and have a wank and take care of it.
“You will if you love me” is the cruelest thing a boy can ever say to a girl. If he says that, he deserves a quick, sharp, hard knee to the balls and don’t ever see him again.
Boys do not have a clue about what feels good to girls until they mature enough to be able to think beyond their own wants. We can talk about this more as you get older. Our bodies are more difficult to get ‘revved up’ and feel good than boys on a biological level – we’re the ones who get pregnant and have to deal with all the physical consequences of that, so we’re the ones who often have to keep the level head when the boy is all hormones and no rational thoughts. What is fun for him won’t be fun for you until you are with someone who loves and cares for you, that you can trust and talk to and learn together with. Don’t be in a hurry.
See my whole diatribe on pregnancy, above. A huge majority of the time, an unplanned/out of marriage pregnancy results in physical, financial and emotional distress for the girl as the boy takes off on his merry way. If he is a jerk that you hate and hope never ever to see again, guess what – if you keep the baby, you will have to see him often, you will have to fight him tooth-and-nail for the money that he owes to the baby for basic necessities. He might insist on being part of the child’s life, or he might even try to use the baby as a tool to manipulate you, might try to take custody away from you, the list goes on and on.
Pregnancy and babies are wonderful, miraculous things – when the time is right, when you are ready, and when you have a kind, loving man at your side who is ready to be a great dad. Think of how wonderful your own daddy is – you want to give your baby that same love and security that you’ve had in your life.
And all those legal things for the boys, above? I hope you and your parents have more common sense than the politicians. If you’re in college and out drinking and do something you shouldn’t, take responsibility for your own actions. We’re certainly not going to love you any less. Rape is a horrific crime that deserves to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Drunken foolishness is a mutual bout of idiocy that should be written off as a learning experience and a ‘stupid tax’ and not done again.
Okay, all that embarrassing but necessary stuff is out of the way. Next.
2. Know what you want in life.
Sounds over-simplistic, doesn’t it? But you have to know what you want before you can decide if any given person is the right one to share it with you. Do you want to get married and have kids some day? Then you shouldn’t date someone who never wants to have kids or get married, easy as that. No matter how much you love someone, if those core desires are incompatible, one or the other of you will always be miserable – until the relationship ends.
Really, this is important. Make a list. I dated a lot of dolts and some nice guys that were just completely not compatible until I sat down and made my list. The very next guy I dated – because I refused to ‘settle’ for anyone who didn’t fit my list – was your daddy.
My list looked something like this, yours will be different:
Going to college/going to finish college with a degree that can get a decent job
Non smoker
Not a heavy partier
From Iowa/willing to live in Iowa
Nice to me/my family/my friends
Fun/upbeat personality
Not a control freak (a relationship can really only handle one of those. ;p)
Is not a ‘sports addict’ to any spectator sport. Ugh.
Wants kids/willing to discuss 4
3. Be confident in yourself/don’t date anyone who’s constantly trying to ‘change’ you.
You are wonderful, creative, witty, intelligent and loving, just as you are. Every person on the planet has quirks, foibles and even downright faults. Every one. Yes, if there are things we do that annoys us or our loved ones, we might decide to try to improve that/change that bad habit. But the core of yourself is who you ARE and if you are with someone who wants you to be something else, then you are not with someone who is a good fit for you.
If you try to force yourself to become what he/she wants, you will truly be miserable for the rest of your time with that person. Don’t do it. Wait until you find the person who loves you for YOU.
4. Don’t date someone with the expectation that he/she will ‘change’ if they love you enough.
Girls – this is more directed at you. For some reason, we have this belief that love changes everything, and if our sweetheart loves us enough, he will change whatever core thing it is that drives us nuts.
You don’t get to do that.
If he loves football, he will always love football, and if you try to make him choose between football and you, you will eventually lose. Maybe not at first, but later, when he’s been miserable for years and suddenly the bomb goes off.
4a) Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to ‘earn’ love.
Again, girls, this is something we are more prone to than boys. It’s one of those things that drives men nuts. There is a saying from a comedian that is right on the nose:
Women get married expecting their husbands will change after marriage, and then are disappointed when they don’t.
Men get married expecting their wives to stay the same as when they were dating and then are shocked when they change.
No one can be someone they are not for years on end and be happy. Don’t pretend to love fishing or football and then nag him not to go fishing or spend hours watching football after you’re married. No fair!
Be who you are and trust that the right guy will love you AS YOU ARE.
5. Don’t date someone you have to ‘carry’, emotionally or financially
For whatever reason, there are people ‘out there’ who are – for want of a better word – emotional/financial/psychological energy leaches. Not only in boyfriend/girlfriend sense, but family and friends can do this to you, too. Someone who is always depressed or down or blue or negative or whiny or always sees the bad side of everything – this person is exhausting to be around.
It’s fine when it is someone you see infrequently and perhaps you can help bolster their mood a little – and then get away from it. But it is horrible in a life-partner. After a while you will feel sucked into the quagmire of their misery. You cannot change these people and you cannot ‘make’ them happy. Get away – quickly.
Likewise, there are people who are always in financial distress due to poor choices. Life things happen to all of us at some point or another (furnace, cars and water heater all in a 3 month period of time!) but adults manage their finances responsibly and do not ask for help from friends/family for anything short of catastrophic death or illness. I’m still old-fashioned enough to think boys should pay for dates when possible, but I don’t expect girls to order the most expensive stuff or to insist on pricey dates or ask for money to buy things when dating. Beware of gold-diggers.
Especially be wary of cohabiting with someone before marriage. There is no financial security here. He/she could leave and take all the stuff you’ve bought together and leave you stuck paying a lease you can’t afford on one income.
Be wise.
6. Have your own friends and interests outside the relationship – and make sure your partner does, too.
One person can’t possibly be your everything all the time. It’s exhausting. Besides, no matter how compatible you are and how much you love each other, if you don’t have outside interests, you will eventually run out of stuff to talk about! Really! Don’t be so possessive of each other’s time that you can’t go hang out with your own friends for an evening or weekend doing your own stuff. It makes it more fun to catch up together again and talk about what you did.
7. Don’t be pathetic – don’t let yourself be dangled on a line when the relationship is dead.
Oh! Heartbreak and suffering! I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. I completely remember the acute, agonizing pain of break-ups. Ugh. I hate it! I wish I could shelter you from it forever!
But it happens and I can’t stop it.
You can’t ‘make’ someone else love you. Don’t be a stalker. Don’t call and cry and beg and ask them to ‘save’ the relationship. If it’s done, it’s done.
Now, I’m talking dating here. Once married, that is a whole different ball game. Marriage has to be fought for and sometimes it needs a little help. But if you’re dating and looking for that life partner, let me tell you, the person you have to beg to be with you IS NOT IT.
If he/she doesn’t want you any more, they clearly couldn’t appreciate the wonder that is you. Bless them, wish them every best happiness in the world – and move on. Your match is ‘out there’ and it will not be someone who makes you miserable or makes you feel like you’re constantly walking in egg-shells to make them happy.
Seriously. You’re way too good for that. Hold onto your dignity and pride and save your tears and whining for privacy with your mom/good friends and a pint of ice cream. We’ve all been there. It sucks. It will get better.
8. Don’t be a jerk – don’t dangle someone else
This is another biggie that happens a lot in high school and I would hope we would all grow out of by the time we’re looking for a more mature, committed relationship. I know this is tempting. It’s cool to think that several people might like you, or maybe you are flirting/thinking about someone else when you are with your existing someone. You want a ‘safe spot’ to go to before you break up with the current love so you won’t be alone.
Really? How selfish is that? Not to mention cowardly and mean. Don’t do it. You’re better than that, too.
It hurts to do the breaking up as much as it hurts to be dumped, but sometimes you just have to do it. If you are not compatible, if you are not happy, you don’t really even have to have a reason if you are just ‘done’ – but you do owe it to your current partner to be decent and honorable and respectful – and TELL THEM. Tell them BEFORE you start seeing someone else.
9. Don’t be looking elsewhere!!
Okay – this applies mostly after you’re married, but is also applicable when you’re in a serious dating relationship where you think you might want to marry this person.
Don’t be looking/flirting with other people. Seriously. If you find yourself doing something that you would be worried if your partner found out about it, then you are skirting the ‘cheating zone’ and you need to back off. That’s sort of the ultimate litmus test for infidelity – do I need to keep this secret from my partner? If the answer is ‘yes’, then that counts as cheating and you’d best seriously re-evaluate your relationship. Quick.
10. Fight fair. Be respectful.
Okay. Sometimes, whether dating or married, you are going to disagree – a polite word for ‘fight’. When we love someone, they hold our hearts in their hands. Cruel words from him/her are more painful than any physical blow. Some things to keep in mind when ‘fighting fair’:
~ Don’t use profanity. It really doesn’t help and can only hurt.
~ Don’t roll your eyes. It is a sign of disrespect and says that you don’t care what your partner is trying to say.
~ Don’t shut down. If you are angry, you must talk about it so it can be resolved. If you are the one who is being angered-at, you must listen to your partner and at least – at the very least – acknowledge and validate his/her feelings. ‘I’m sorry I made you angry.’ Don’t jump in with reasons or excuses until the emotion has had a chance to be vented.
~ Do be specific – don’t say ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ but keep your point specific to this instance. ‘I was hurt when you ignored what I said _________’ or ‘I was embarrassed when you ___________’ Or ‘I’m very angry because you said you would ___________ and you didn’t’ or any of the other hundreds of variations.
~ Do apologize if you were wrong! Apologize and mean it! Most importantly – tell your partner what you intend to do to make sure you don’t do it again. Let him/her know you are taking the concern seriously and not blowing them off.
11. Talk about money, family, jobs, expectations
When you’re in that ‘dating’ phase and you’re starting to think about moving to the ‘engaged’ phase, start talking about more serious things. If you can’t talk about them freely when dating, how will you manage them together when you’re married?
Money – one of the best bits of advice I ever read was in a wedding magazine – read them like crazy!! They do have good articles about communication and things that I found very helpful. This bit talked about money and how to handle it, especially if one spouse made more than the other spouse. This method might not work for everyone, but it has been great for us for more than 20 years.
Have a joint account. Into that account is direct-deposited all the money you make from your job(s). Have individual accounts – each of you has his/her own account. Into those accounts goes the same amount of “allowance” each month, whatever it is that you decide you can afford/budget for. We’ve varied over the years from $50-$100. The joint account pays for all household stuff and all necessities for everyone in the household, date nights, etc.. The individual account is our ‘fun money’ that we can spend on whatever frivolous thing we want without having to justify the expenditure. This is where expensive, silly shoes or designer jeans or (in my case) my own laptop comes from.
Read lots of articles on how other couples manage this – bridal magazines will have tons – and decide what method you think will work for you. Try more than one.
Will you both work? How soon/at what financial state do you want to think about having children? Will you both still work after you have children? What will you do about child care? How will you handle household chores?
(I hear Alarick’s teasing voice in my head, ‘woman, get in that kitchen’!)
I highly recommend talking about these things as you’re dating. The sooner you find any glitches in compatibility, the sooner you can determine if they are something that can be smoothed over or if it is a deal-breaker to the relationship.
After all that important talking – it’s time to decide if he/she is ‘the one’.
12. So, you’re engaged now what?
Now is time to get to the nitty-gritty.
Are there any “little things” that concern you?
Do his/her parents drive you nuts so that you want to be as far away from them as humanly possible? Do yours? :p Talk about these things, too. Once married, the marriage and each other must take precedence over your original families. No one wants to ‘lose’ their children in marriage, but truly wants to feel they are gaining another son or daughter. Support each other in conflicts so that boundaries can be drawn between your new family and your old ones. Some folks don’t mind if the in-laws are dropping in uninvited and unannounced at all hours of the day – it would drive me NUTS. Talk about it and be united in your decisions.
Before marriage, pick a pre-marital counselor – ask our pastor to do it, or his/her pastor, or ask them to recommend a secular one if you aren’t comfortable with the pastor. We have at least two people in our family – grandma and aunt Lynnie – who do this sort of thing for a living. Please do NOT go to them. I love them and I know they are wonderful at their jobs, but they are not “neutral ground” for your partner. No matter how good and professional they are, they are family. Family should never try to counsel family in this regard.
But pre-marital counseling is a wonderful thing! It’s not scary or intimidating and it is so helpful to get your lives off on a sound footing. They will help you learn to discuss some of this stuff I’ve laid out here in a loving, productive way. They will help you look at your life goals together and give you tools for managing conflict.
EVERY marriage has conflict. You have to learn to cope with and resolve it in a compassionate, respectful way. Your premarital counselor will give you tools to do that.
Dad and I have been happily married since 1990. We’ve been through all of this stuff, even the embarrassing bits. We’ve had stressful times in our lives, we’ve had ‘boring’ times in our marriage when we were too busy and too exhausted to really pay attention to each other except as co-parents and partners in drudgery. That’s where that respect and friendship and loving foundation carried the day. We knew even in the lull times that we were united together in a common goal.
It is our deepest wish that our children grow to become happy, self-sufficient, independent adults. We hope that your happiness and sense of self-worth come from inside yourself first and your relationship with God who loves all of us a whole lot more than any human being could ever love us. When you find your life-partner, we hope you have as much love, happiness and deep satisfaction as we have had in each other.
We love you.
Because you are now approaching the point in your life where your heart and emotions and hormones all sing to reach out to that ‘one perfect person’ to spend the rest of your life with, I want to share some things with you. Not to lecture or scold or boss, but simply points to ponder and important things to know and think about as you make friends and date and so on.
One of my college anthropology classes had a section on the study of marriage. There are all sorts of different successful marriages, but this study had found some key points that were prevalent in a majority of long lasting marriages.
Some of the points were rather obvious. Bride is not pregnant. The couple share the same religion and practice it. The couple did not live together before marriage. Both parties are over 23 years of age at the time of marriage and couple dated each other for at least 1 year before marriage, married at least 1 year before children.
Divorce was a big one. No surprise. These studies haven’t changed in years, despite the increasing prevalence and societal acceptation of divorce. If one or both parties came from a divorced home, the chance of divorce increased for the couple. Divorce, even when necessary for the health and wellbeing of those involved, still distorts the children’s perception of marriage. A person from a divorced home has a harder time developing trust for their partner and fewer coping mechanisms for dealing with conflict. This is not to condemn those who’ve been in that unfortunate situation or to rule-out ever marrying someone whose parents are divorced. In this day and age, you will meet many more kids from divorced home than intact ones! But it is to make you more mindful of the challenges you and your partner will face if you do marry someone whose parents were divorced.
Some of the points were fun and interesting but sort of surprising: birth-order – the most compatible combination is an oldest sibling with a youngest sibling, least compatible is two ‘oldests’. Educational level – both people are of a similar educational background. Similar political beliefs – this was lower on the importance scale, with a comment that if you are happy not discussing your politics or ‘live and let live’ then this wasn’t so important, where as if you are the sort who has to discuss/argue and your spouse has opposing ideas, it is a source of strife.
With all that in mind, I want to share things for you to think about.
1. Don’t be in a hurry!!
This is so hard, I know! But it’s true. It’s very rare that a ‘high school sweetheart’ turns into your spouse of 50+ years. High school dating is fine, and those early relationships are important in their own right. It’s a wonderful, sweet thing to be in love. You have your first disappointments as you realize that your ‘perfect person’ isn’t really so perfect. You get to see flaws and have your own pointed out to you. You learn things about compatibility and yourself and what things you really, really need in a life partner and what things you can do without.
But you are not destined to be ‘alone forever’ if you don’t date in high school! Make friends. Have fun. Dating can wait until college or beyond and that’s okay, too.
1. a) Especially don’t be in a hurry to have sex!!!
Okay, I’ve talked to you so much about this that you roll your eyes with a, “Mooo-oom, I know, so stop it!” It doesn’t matter. I’m going to say it again. And again. And again. And again. Because if there is an ‘accidental pregnancy’, it’s not going to be because I didn’t tell you. Again. And again. And again.
Here we go. It’s going to get graphic. That’s what you get when your mom is a nurse. ;)
Until you feel you are emotionally and financially ready to support a child and be forever more tied to the person you are with, DO NOT HAVE SEX. It really is as simple as that.
NO BIRTH CONTROL METHOD IS 100% EFFECTIVE EXCEPT ABSTINENCE.
Abstinence means complete and total abstinence. ‘Withdrawal’ is not abstinence. All it takes is one strong little swimmer to create a baby, and teenaged girls are at their biologically most healthy and most fertile. Semen deposited anywhere near the vulva can cause pregnancy. ‘Keep off the grass’.
For my sons:
Pregnancy:
You don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but you do have to worry about the emotional, financial and legal aspects of sex and pregnancy.
~ In our society, the girl, the party who can get pregnant, has all the ‘power’ over what to do with that pregnancy. To a great extent, this is as it should be. It is her body and life that is most impacted. You know that I am strongly opposed to abortion – I do believe it kills a human being and I wish it was illegal and that our society didn’t view it as a form of birth control. However, that decision will never, ever be in your hands. As a boy, you have only to stand back and grieve in horror if your unexpected child is sliced to bits and sucked into a sink.
Yes, I am being deliberately provocative – because that is exactly what happens. And you have no say and no control in the matter.
~ She can decide to have the baby and put it up for adoption. Here, at least, you have some choice. If she doesn’t want the baby, she is required to have your signature and consent to put it up for adoption – at which time you could decide to take on that terrifyingly huge responsibility yourself.
By the way – I did diapers and late-nights with four children. Dad and I would help you with this, but we are not doing it for you! Think about how annoying it is when we nag you to feed/water the dog.
~ She can decide to keep the baby, move out of state where you will never or rarely have the chance to see/interact with your child. Yet you would still have to pay a huge portion of your income for child support for the next 23 years until the child is done with college. Never mind if you didn’t get to go to/finish college yourself because you were paying child support. This is as it should be – I would be bitterly disappointed if my boys grew up to be ‘deadbeat dads’. You created the child, you must pay for the child.
But such a financial burden – not to mention the emotional one – will make your future more difficult when you decide to get married and have a ‘real’ family.
~ You can decide, together, to get married and start your life together. It is a difficult way to start a marriage, but not impossible.
Legally:
~ In the state of Iowa, a girl/woman is not considered legally competent/able to give ‘consent’ to any sexual act if she has been drinking. This means that if you go out partying with friends and have sex with a girl, she/her parents can decide to prosecute you for rape – even if it was all fun and games and consensual. Frankly, to almost anyone who went to college and did stupid stuff, this law seems extreme and ridiculous – but there are enough young women who are truly victimized and who ARE actually raped that our state has seen fit to make this into law. You have got to be careful and be aware.
Don’t go sleeping with girls you don’t know well – see my diatribe on pregnancy above. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions as well as hers and you are more likely to do something stupid. It could land you in jail for years, literally, and be a part of your criminal record that would significantly impact jobs you could hold in the future. Don’t do it.
~ Statutory Rape - this means having sex with a girl who is considered too young to give consent. This age varies from state to state. I don’t know the ‘age of consent’ in Iowa, but it would be safe to assume that it’s 18. Even if you are younger than 18 yourself, you could still be prosecuted for rape if your partner is also under 18. Again, jail, criminal record, career path ruined, etc.
See why mom says all this embarrassing stuff? It’s to protect you from things like inexperience and peer pressure and physical hormones telling you to ‘just do it’ and so on. Keep a clear head and make wise choices so you can have a wonderful, successful, prosperous life, career, marriage, etc. We love you.
For my daughters:
You would not believe the silly stuff boys will say to get you to do sexual acts with them. And I hope, very much, that I have taught you to be smart and not believe a word of it.
It is not ‘painful’ to be aroused/erect. If it bugs him that much, he can go into the bathroom and have a wank and take care of it.
“You will if you love me” is the cruelest thing a boy can ever say to a girl. If he says that, he deserves a quick, sharp, hard knee to the balls and don’t ever see him again.
Boys do not have a clue about what feels good to girls until they mature enough to be able to think beyond their own wants. We can talk about this more as you get older. Our bodies are more difficult to get ‘revved up’ and feel good than boys on a biological level – we’re the ones who get pregnant and have to deal with all the physical consequences of that, so we’re the ones who often have to keep the level head when the boy is all hormones and no rational thoughts. What is fun for him won’t be fun for you until you are with someone who loves and cares for you, that you can trust and talk to and learn together with. Don’t be in a hurry.
See my whole diatribe on pregnancy, above. A huge majority of the time, an unplanned/out of marriage pregnancy results in physical, financial and emotional distress for the girl as the boy takes off on his merry way. If he is a jerk that you hate and hope never ever to see again, guess what – if you keep the baby, you will have to see him often, you will have to fight him tooth-and-nail for the money that he owes to the baby for basic necessities. He might insist on being part of the child’s life, or he might even try to use the baby as a tool to manipulate you, might try to take custody away from you, the list goes on and on.
Pregnancy and babies are wonderful, miraculous things – when the time is right, when you are ready, and when you have a kind, loving man at your side who is ready to be a great dad. Think of how wonderful your own daddy is – you want to give your baby that same love and security that you’ve had in your life.
And all those legal things for the boys, above? I hope you and your parents have more common sense than the politicians. If you’re in college and out drinking and do something you shouldn’t, take responsibility for your own actions. We’re certainly not going to love you any less. Rape is a horrific crime that deserves to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Drunken foolishness is a mutual bout of idiocy that should be written off as a learning experience and a ‘stupid tax’ and not done again.
Okay, all that embarrassing but necessary stuff is out of the way. Next.
2. Know what you want in life.
Sounds over-simplistic, doesn’t it? But you have to know what you want before you can decide if any given person is the right one to share it with you. Do you want to get married and have kids some day? Then you shouldn’t date someone who never wants to have kids or get married, easy as that. No matter how much you love someone, if those core desires are incompatible, one or the other of you will always be miserable – until the relationship ends.
Really, this is important. Make a list. I dated a lot of dolts and some nice guys that were just completely not compatible until I sat down and made my list. The very next guy I dated – because I refused to ‘settle’ for anyone who didn’t fit my list – was your daddy.
My list looked something like this, yours will be different:
Going to college/going to finish college with a degree that can get a decent job
Non smoker
Not a heavy partier
From Iowa/willing to live in Iowa
Nice to me/my family/my friends
Fun/upbeat personality
Not a control freak (a relationship can really only handle one of those. ;p)
Is not a ‘sports addict’ to any spectator sport. Ugh.
Wants kids/willing to discuss 4
3. Be confident in yourself/don’t date anyone who’s constantly trying to ‘change’ you.
You are wonderful, creative, witty, intelligent and loving, just as you are. Every person on the planet has quirks, foibles and even downright faults. Every one. Yes, if there are things we do that annoys us or our loved ones, we might decide to try to improve that/change that bad habit. But the core of yourself is who you ARE and if you are with someone who wants you to be something else, then you are not with someone who is a good fit for you.
If you try to force yourself to become what he/she wants, you will truly be miserable for the rest of your time with that person. Don’t do it. Wait until you find the person who loves you for YOU.
4. Don’t date someone with the expectation that he/she will ‘change’ if they love you enough.
Girls – this is more directed at you. For some reason, we have this belief that love changes everything, and if our sweetheart loves us enough, he will change whatever core thing it is that drives us nuts.
You don’t get to do that.
If he loves football, he will always love football, and if you try to make him choose between football and you, you will eventually lose. Maybe not at first, but later, when he’s been miserable for years and suddenly the bomb goes off.
4a) Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to ‘earn’ love.
Again, girls, this is something we are more prone to than boys. It’s one of those things that drives men nuts. There is a saying from a comedian that is right on the nose:
Women get married expecting their husbands will change after marriage, and then are disappointed when they don’t.
Men get married expecting their wives to stay the same as when they were dating and then are shocked when they change.
No one can be someone they are not for years on end and be happy. Don’t pretend to love fishing or football and then nag him not to go fishing or spend hours watching football after you’re married. No fair!
Be who you are and trust that the right guy will love you AS YOU ARE.
5. Don’t date someone you have to ‘carry’, emotionally or financially
For whatever reason, there are people ‘out there’ who are – for want of a better word – emotional/financial/psychological energy leaches. Not only in boyfriend/girlfriend sense, but family and friends can do this to you, too. Someone who is always depressed or down or blue or negative or whiny or always sees the bad side of everything – this person is exhausting to be around.
It’s fine when it is someone you see infrequently and perhaps you can help bolster their mood a little – and then get away from it. But it is horrible in a life-partner. After a while you will feel sucked into the quagmire of their misery. You cannot change these people and you cannot ‘make’ them happy. Get away – quickly.
Likewise, there are people who are always in financial distress due to poor choices. Life things happen to all of us at some point or another (furnace, cars and water heater all in a 3 month period of time!) but adults manage their finances responsibly and do not ask for help from friends/family for anything short of catastrophic death or illness. I’m still old-fashioned enough to think boys should pay for dates when possible, but I don’t expect girls to order the most expensive stuff or to insist on pricey dates or ask for money to buy things when dating. Beware of gold-diggers.
Especially be wary of cohabiting with someone before marriage. There is no financial security here. He/she could leave and take all the stuff you’ve bought together and leave you stuck paying a lease you can’t afford on one income.
Be wise.
6. Have your own friends and interests outside the relationship – and make sure your partner does, too.
One person can’t possibly be your everything all the time. It’s exhausting. Besides, no matter how compatible you are and how much you love each other, if you don’t have outside interests, you will eventually run out of stuff to talk about! Really! Don’t be so possessive of each other’s time that you can’t go hang out with your own friends for an evening or weekend doing your own stuff. It makes it more fun to catch up together again and talk about what you did.
7. Don’t be pathetic – don’t let yourself be dangled on a line when the relationship is dead.
Oh! Heartbreak and suffering! I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. I completely remember the acute, agonizing pain of break-ups. Ugh. I hate it! I wish I could shelter you from it forever!
But it happens and I can’t stop it.
You can’t ‘make’ someone else love you. Don’t be a stalker. Don’t call and cry and beg and ask them to ‘save’ the relationship. If it’s done, it’s done.
Now, I’m talking dating here. Once married, that is a whole different ball game. Marriage has to be fought for and sometimes it needs a little help. But if you’re dating and looking for that life partner, let me tell you, the person you have to beg to be with you IS NOT IT.
If he/she doesn’t want you any more, they clearly couldn’t appreciate the wonder that is you. Bless them, wish them every best happiness in the world – and move on. Your match is ‘out there’ and it will not be someone who makes you miserable or makes you feel like you’re constantly walking in egg-shells to make them happy.
Seriously. You’re way too good for that. Hold onto your dignity and pride and save your tears and whining for privacy with your mom/good friends and a pint of ice cream. We’ve all been there. It sucks. It will get better.
8. Don’t be a jerk – don’t dangle someone else
This is another biggie that happens a lot in high school and I would hope we would all grow out of by the time we’re looking for a more mature, committed relationship. I know this is tempting. It’s cool to think that several people might like you, or maybe you are flirting/thinking about someone else when you are with your existing someone. You want a ‘safe spot’ to go to before you break up with the current love so you won’t be alone.
Really? How selfish is that? Not to mention cowardly and mean. Don’t do it. You’re better than that, too.
It hurts to do the breaking up as much as it hurts to be dumped, but sometimes you just have to do it. If you are not compatible, if you are not happy, you don’t really even have to have a reason if you are just ‘done’ – but you do owe it to your current partner to be decent and honorable and respectful – and TELL THEM. Tell them BEFORE you start seeing someone else.
9. Don’t be looking elsewhere!!
Okay – this applies mostly after you’re married, but is also applicable when you’re in a serious dating relationship where you think you might want to marry this person.
Don’t be looking/flirting with other people. Seriously. If you find yourself doing something that you would be worried if your partner found out about it, then you are skirting the ‘cheating zone’ and you need to back off. That’s sort of the ultimate litmus test for infidelity – do I need to keep this secret from my partner? If the answer is ‘yes’, then that counts as cheating and you’d best seriously re-evaluate your relationship. Quick.
10. Fight fair. Be respectful.
Okay. Sometimes, whether dating or married, you are going to disagree – a polite word for ‘fight’. When we love someone, they hold our hearts in their hands. Cruel words from him/her are more painful than any physical blow. Some things to keep in mind when ‘fighting fair’:
~ Don’t use profanity. It really doesn’t help and can only hurt.
~ Don’t roll your eyes. It is a sign of disrespect and says that you don’t care what your partner is trying to say.
~ Don’t shut down. If you are angry, you must talk about it so it can be resolved. If you are the one who is being angered-at, you must listen to your partner and at least – at the very least – acknowledge and validate his/her feelings. ‘I’m sorry I made you angry.’ Don’t jump in with reasons or excuses until the emotion has had a chance to be vented.
~ Do be specific – don’t say ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ but keep your point specific to this instance. ‘I was hurt when you ignored what I said _________’ or ‘I was embarrassed when you ___________’ Or ‘I’m very angry because you said you would ___________ and you didn’t’ or any of the other hundreds of variations.
~ Do apologize if you were wrong! Apologize and mean it! Most importantly – tell your partner what you intend to do to make sure you don’t do it again. Let him/her know you are taking the concern seriously and not blowing them off.
11. Talk about money, family, jobs, expectations
When you’re in that ‘dating’ phase and you’re starting to think about moving to the ‘engaged’ phase, start talking about more serious things. If you can’t talk about them freely when dating, how will you manage them together when you’re married?
Money – one of the best bits of advice I ever read was in a wedding magazine – read them like crazy!! They do have good articles about communication and things that I found very helpful. This bit talked about money and how to handle it, especially if one spouse made more than the other spouse. This method might not work for everyone, but it has been great for us for more than 20 years.
Have a joint account. Into that account is direct-deposited all the money you make from your job(s). Have individual accounts – each of you has his/her own account. Into those accounts goes the same amount of “allowance” each month, whatever it is that you decide you can afford/budget for. We’ve varied over the years from $50-$100. The joint account pays for all household stuff and all necessities for everyone in the household, date nights, etc.. The individual account is our ‘fun money’ that we can spend on whatever frivolous thing we want without having to justify the expenditure. This is where expensive, silly shoes or designer jeans or (in my case) my own laptop comes from.
Read lots of articles on how other couples manage this – bridal magazines will have tons – and decide what method you think will work for you. Try more than one.
Will you both work? How soon/at what financial state do you want to think about having children? Will you both still work after you have children? What will you do about child care? How will you handle household chores?
(I hear Alarick’s teasing voice in my head, ‘woman, get in that kitchen’!)
I highly recommend talking about these things as you’re dating. The sooner you find any glitches in compatibility, the sooner you can determine if they are something that can be smoothed over or if it is a deal-breaker to the relationship.
After all that important talking – it’s time to decide if he/she is ‘the one’.
12. So, you’re engaged now what?
Now is time to get to the nitty-gritty.
Are there any “little things” that concern you?
Do his/her parents drive you nuts so that you want to be as far away from them as humanly possible? Do yours? :p Talk about these things, too. Once married, the marriage and each other must take precedence over your original families. No one wants to ‘lose’ their children in marriage, but truly wants to feel they are gaining another son or daughter. Support each other in conflicts so that boundaries can be drawn between your new family and your old ones. Some folks don’t mind if the in-laws are dropping in uninvited and unannounced at all hours of the day – it would drive me NUTS. Talk about it and be united in your decisions.
Before marriage, pick a pre-marital counselor – ask our pastor to do it, or his/her pastor, or ask them to recommend a secular one if you aren’t comfortable with the pastor. We have at least two people in our family – grandma and aunt Lynnie – who do this sort of thing for a living. Please do NOT go to them. I love them and I know they are wonderful at their jobs, but they are not “neutral ground” for your partner. No matter how good and professional they are, they are family. Family should never try to counsel family in this regard.
But pre-marital counseling is a wonderful thing! It’s not scary or intimidating and it is so helpful to get your lives off on a sound footing. They will help you learn to discuss some of this stuff I’ve laid out here in a loving, productive way. They will help you look at your life goals together and give you tools for managing conflict.
EVERY marriage has conflict. You have to learn to cope with and resolve it in a compassionate, respectful way. Your premarital counselor will give you tools to do that.
Dad and I have been happily married since 1990. We’ve been through all of this stuff, even the embarrassing bits. We’ve had stressful times in our lives, we’ve had ‘boring’ times in our marriage when we were too busy and too exhausted to really pay attention to each other except as co-parents and partners in drudgery. That’s where that respect and friendship and loving foundation carried the day. We knew even in the lull times that we were united together in a common goal.
It is our deepest wish that our children grow to become happy, self-sufficient, independent adults. We hope that your happiness and sense of self-worth come from inside yourself first and your relationship with God who loves all of us a whole lot more than any human being could ever love us. When you find your life-partner, we hope you have as much love, happiness and deep satisfaction as we have had in each other.
We love you.
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